Don’t think that Republicans are going to escape my critical eye. No one here can ever call me a partisan after this. On Sunday, I will have Part Three posted on my blog at Christian Fearing God-Man, and part three will basically explain the idea behind these posts as a whole in case the meaning is lost on anyone.
Prepare yourselves! The Rules are coming for you!
Rules of the Madhouse for Republicans
1. Democrats are inherently evil: This is rule number one because you have to know exactly who your enemies are. The Democrats–vile creatures who hate God and everything white–will stop at nothing to destroy America and subjugate every freedom-loving person in this country. Their primary goal is to create a society in which the poor–who deserve to be poor because they’re all inherently lazy–are supported by hard-working Americans through a seizure and redistribution of their wealth. They love Communism, they are all Godless atheists or misguided Catholics, Jews, and Muslims. Their every breath is devoted to destroying you and your liberties. Somehow, by destroying America they will ensure that they live long and prosper sustained only by the sheer energy of your soul. Hate them and everything for which they stand.
2. Republicans are inherently good: Your Republican political leaders–the rightful heirs to the throne of liberty–only want to help you succeed and prosper. They want to make sure that “traditional,” Judeo-Christian values are upheld because that will somehow ensure your financial success. And because of that–because they champion your causes and make sure that your pockets are properly lined with valuable American dollars–you must vote for them and keep them in office at all costs. If you don’t vote for them, then America will become a Godless, Communist, totalitarian state.
Rich people, many of whom are your Republican leaders, simply cannot afford to have their taxes increase, and the Party will protect your rich brethrens’ tax rates. It’s okay that you pay 30% in taxes a year, because the rich people are paying much less. Fair is fair, and Republicans are going to make sure it stays that way!
3. Facts are very important: Whenever you debate one of those detestable Democrats, make sure that you back up your opinions with hard facts. Those facts must support exactly what you’re trying to prove, and they must come from credible sources. Credible sources include, but are not limited to: any statistic that shows that most people think like you, anything that is direct opposition to Obama, and any factoid that comes from a credible media outlet (Fox News, Ted Nugent, the NRA, and of course Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh).
4. Facts are not important: Democrats know your rules about facts, so they come out with “facts” of their own. Most of the time, any factoid or statistic presented by a Democrat is a blatant lie or half-truth. However, sometimes the Democrats will come up with a fact or statistic that is technically “true,” but completely contradicts all of the facts you presented. Don’t worry! You don’t have to refute their facts at all. In fact, you can completely ignore that they even presented facts to you. Just pretend that they didn’t say anything at all, and instead insult their intelligence.
Tell them that they are just part of the “Left-Wing Conspiracy,” and that everything they spew from their mouths is just theory and conjecture. Most importantly, shift the argument onto the person and question their motives and reasoning for even debating with you in the first place. The Truth is plain to see, so they must be absolutely bonkers if they are denying what you understand so clearly. Oh and don’t forget: even if you can’t disprove their facts, they’re probably lying anyway and their sources are definitely not credible.
5. Compromise is out of the question: We simply cannot raise taxes on the super wealthy by even 1%, because if we do then we’ll scare them off. They’ll stop investing and destroy the country that they rely on for their market. Any addition to the deficit is a bad thing.
We simply can’t allow abortions in any shape or form because that decision should be left up to the government and NOT the pregnant woman. We also cannot compromise on gay marriage, because that will obviously destroy the nation. People are not allowed to choose what morality they follow, because all law should be based on the Bible.
Even though we are the most technologically advanced military on the face of the planet, we cannot allow one single cut to the defense budget. Waivering on any policy point, no matter how practical it might be, is an affront to liberty and a betrayal of the Party.
6. Values are the key to America’s survival: Christian values, to be specific. If we let the gays marry the people they love, then we’re headed for fire and brimstone. All the poor people are poor because they had children out of wedlock. The American family is the institution of stability for this country! Nevermind all of those hard-working single-parent homes that succeeded, the poor people are poor because they had kids out of wedlock and because they got divorced! This country is going to the toilet, and it will eventually be destroyed, because we are too free with sex, our language is too vulgar, and we’re teaching evil evolution in schools! You are free to choose how to live your life, so long as that choice is within the bounds of good Christian morality.
Do not ever support a candidate that demonstrates anything less than the highest commitment to Judeo-Christian values, because someone like that obviously cannot be trusted.
7. Rule 6 does not apply to Newt Gingrich or the super wealthy: Republicans like Newt Gingrich are not Bill Clinton, so whatever they do in their personal life is totally their business and does not have any bearing on their ability to hold public office. And yes, charity is mandated by the Bible, and you should be happy to help those less fortunate, but if you’re super-rich you need not worry about that. It’s your money, so you can hold on to all of it without fear of divine reprisal. You’re rich, you don’t need to worry about things like “charity,” and “compassion.” All you need to worry about is that you’ve got an endless supply of Beluga caviar.
8. Ideas are meaningless: “Ideas,” are just tools used by the pointy-headed academics to fool young people into betraying good-old traditional values. The only thing that matters is what works. Our ideals, however, are the shining example of what human society should strive for. Never let a Democrat dissuade you from our Party’s ideals!
9. All Democrats are Socialists: Well duh! They want to rob from the rich and give to the poor. They want to tax the rich into oblivion! They want all means of production to be controlled by the state. They want to destroy every aspect of choice and liberty you thought you had. Any time a Democrat mentions “social justice,” or even breathes a word about alleviating the suffering of those less fortunate, that is code for “Communist Manifesto.” The massive amounts of wealth the super-rich have accumulated is theirs to do with as they please, and they have every right to be upset at the notion that they should help those less fortunate. Any such utterance that suggests the rich should be taxed more and sacrifice like the rest of us is a clear indication of a Socialist agenda.
10. Don’t think: just vote: The Party leadership is smarter than you. You don’t have the time, energy, or education required to understand these complex issues. Just sit back and believe what the Party tells you, because Republicans are the true patriots. A patriot would never, ever mislead you. Vote for anyone who has (R) next to their name, and you can be sure that your future is safe!