Ladies and gentlemen of American Politics, meet your new warden!
A few days ago I wrote an article on my blog, Christian Fearing God-Man, detailing the 10 rules that every American should follow when they decide to get involved in American Politics (shameless plug). It doesn’t matter how you get involved, because the rules are still the same whether you run for office, blog, or serve as an activist in some way. The rules are in jest because I’ve been told that we need to have an “adult conversation” about the troubles facing our nation, and I realized a long time ago that an adult conversation is just a dream.
This counts for both sides, Democrat and Republican. I’ve noticed that many disciples of both parties partake in the complete disregard for anything that even remotely resembles an “adult conversation.” American Politics has transformed into a veritable madhouse, and what is interesting is that even an insane asylum has rules that its patients follow. Why do they follow the rules? Because they are handsomely rewarded for their behavior and hailed as “Champions of Liberty.” This piece will serve as a two-part guide to the official Madhouse rules. Part one will detail the Democrat wing, and part two will detail the Republican wing.
Follow the rules and you get a shiny prize from your local congressman!
Rules of the Madhouse for Democrats
1. Republicans are inherently evil: This is rule number one because you have to know exactly who your enemies are. The Republicans–vile creatures who “cling to their guns and their religion”–will stop at nothing to destroy America and subjugate every freedom-loving person in this country. Their primary goal is to create an impenetrable oligarchy of super-wealthy white men who will stifle all upward mobility. They love guns and violence, and their every breath is devoted to destroying you and your liberties. Somehow, by destroying America they will ensure that they live long and prosper sustained only by the sheer energy of your soul. Hate them and everything for which they stand.
2. Democrats are inherently good: Your Democratic political leaders–the rightful heirs to the throne of liberty–only want to help you succeed and prosper. They want to make sure that even if you choose not to work for a living, you will be taken care of, because that is the “right thing to do.” And because of that–because they champion your causes and make sure that your pockets are properly lined with valuable American dollars–you must vote for them and keep them in office at all costs. If you don’t vote for them then you will never get your fair share.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been on welfare for 10 years and haven’t worked a day since: they understand your plight. They’ll keep food on your table and bling around your necks. All you have to do is give them their vote.
3. Facts are very important: Whenever you debate one of those detestable Republicans, make sure that you back up your opinions with hard facts. Those facts must support exactly what you’re trying to prove, and they must come from credible sources. Credible sources include, but are not limited to: any statistic that shows that most people think like you, anything that Obama says, and any factoid that comes from a credible media outlet (CNN, CBS, NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, The Daily Show, Steven Colbert, and of course Michael Moore).
4. Facts are not important: Republicans know your rules about facts, so they come out with “facts” of their own. Most of the time, any factoid or statistic presented by a Republican is a blatant lie or half-truth. However, sometimes the Republicans will come up with a fact or statistic that is technically “true,” but completely contradicts all of the facts you presented. Don’t worry! You don’t have to refute their facts at all. In fact, you can completely ignore that they even presented facts to you. Just pretend that they didn’t say anything at all, and instead insult their intelligence.
Tell them that they are just part of the “Right Wing Conspiracy,” and that everything they spew from their mouths is just theory and conjecture. Most importantly, shift the argument onto the person and question their motives and reasoning for even debating with you in the first place. The Truth is plain to see, so they must be absolutely bonkers if they are denying what you understand so clearly. Oh and don’t forget: even if you can’t disprove their facts, they’re probably lying anyway and their sources are definitely not credible.
5. Compromise is out of the question: We simply cannot cut one single dollar from the budget, because if we do, then how will honest, non-working Americans be able to buy brand new Air Jordans with their clothing vouchers from Job and Family Services? We simply can’t allow guns to exist in America, because the people are too stupid and angry to use them responsibly. The police, because of their ability to instantly respond to every crime in progress, will be able to keep anyone who illegally obtains a gun at bay. Any compromise on that will ultimately lead to more gun violence.
Also, compromise is not an option when people have to decide how to live their lives. We must make sure that the people aren’t exposed to dangerously large soda cups, and they are also clearly too stupid to live healthy lives, so we must ban trans fats from every restaurant in America and limit sodium content in manufactured foods. We simply cannot let the people decide how to live their lives.
6. Rule 5 does not apply to women: Because they have the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. That is the ONE compromise we’ll make as a party, because we don’t want to disenfranchise women. We need their votes to keep the sinister Republicans out of office!
7. If you find that a Republican policy would actually work, create and/or support the same policy, but call it something else: Okay okay, we do need to get Medicare costs under control. It’s killing the budget right now, and the Baby Boomers will very likely break the bank. Yes, the Republicans were widely derided for their block grant and voucher idea, but they’re right: we need to make cuts. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to make budget cuts in Medicare as a part of the Affordable Care Act.
It’s not a block grant, so it’s okay, and it’s not going to “change Medicare as we know it,” so it’s not evil. Plus, it’s part of the Affordable Care Act, which a majority (50.2%) of Americans support, so it’s obviously a good thing. We’ll never allow the Republicans to push granny over the cliff, and our budget cuts will stop them!
8. Ideas are meaningless: “Ideas,” are just tools used by the rich to keep the poor ignorant and uninformed. The only thing that matters is what works. Our ideals, however, are the shining example of what human society should strive for. Never let a Republican dissuade you from our Party’s ideals!
9. All Republicans are racist: Well duh! Also, don’t be afraid to throw the race card, especially when Republicans use those pesky “facts” we hear about. How else would we get them to shut up?!
10. Don’t think: just vote: The Party leadership is smarter than you. You don’t have the time, energy, or education required to understand these complex issues. Just sit back and believe what the Party tells you, because Democrats are the true patriots. A patriot would never, ever mislead you. Vote for anyone who has (D) next to their name, and you can be sure that your future is safe!
Good rules, Jack. I can’t wait to read the rules you have for Republicans. Between the two sets of rules, maybe we can keep our sanity in this political scuffle.
I will post part two tomorrow. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that many on this site will not enjoy the Republican rules so much.
Or at the very least, I’m going to run into a lot of opposition.
I’ll sharpen my pitchfork tonight.
Nice list. I like #7
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